Why We Stay: The psychology behind loving your abuser.
Why do smart, capable, intelligent women love and defend so fiercely the ones that abuse them, and how do they get to this point? Let’s look at the psychology behind these disturbing attachments, and the long-term toll it has on our bodies. In 1973, four hostages from a bank robbery in Stockholm, Sweden bonded with their two captors and defended them after their release, even though they had been bound with dynamite and mistreated for the six days they were held hostage. This type of bonding was given the name Stockholm Syndrome (also called ‘terror bonding’ or ‘traumatic bonding’) and has been seen in a variety of hostage-like situations including cult members, prisoners of war, and domestic abuse victims/ survivors. In some cases of Stockholm Syndrome when the captor (abuser) is of the opposite sex, the hostage develops a sexual interest in their captor. This is likely due to the brain confusing the physiological arousal caused by fear as attraction. Attraction and fear share many of the same responses in the body such as racing heart, pupils dilate, butterflies in your stomach and a knot in your throat. There are four situational factors that lead up to Stockholm Syndrome. First, there is a perceived threat to ones physical or psychological survival along with a total belief that the captor would carry out that threat. If there is no careful, something little said or did it can cause an argument. Since the topic mid argument changes leaving non appraised new one; tears, confusion and disorientation happens. It causes worthless feeling for not knowing what it is talking about and guilty for not caring enough about the other (not pay attention). It feels like someone is going crazy, but the other "understand" and "forgive". How can the "fragile" abandon the abuser (like everyone else does) after all understanding of him? Who else would stand by the "weak" if he really lost his mind?Second, the captive perceives a small kindness from their abuser; this can be as simple as a complement. He would constantly claim that things are not done such as leaving the phone off the hook, putting his favorite wool sweater in the dryer or leaving the freezer door open. When these things are denied the abuser would claim that he really doesn't care.Third, the captive is isolated from views and perspectives other than those of their captors. Since the abused knows that others don't like the abuser, he avoids friends to not have to deal with the underlying drama. When they have problems or arguments, he didn’t talk to friends because they could tell him to leave the abuser. He also can't tell them about much of the abuse because it relates to secrets confided in him, for instance the dissociative identity disorder... Fourth,the abused person perceives the inability to escape their situation. The abusers claim to not feel ‘safe’ without the abused and could hurt themselves leaved. Scars on their skin can be showing... saying they forgive for not being there for them when needed; however some extra-care is waiting to repair the situation. Bonding with the abuser seems to be a universal survival strategy. If you can’t see a way out, then trying to get on the good side of the abuser may provide your best bet at living through it. This tendency may be drawing from an evolutionary strategy seen in newborn babies. Babies will form an emotional attachment to their closest powerful adult. This strategy, if nothing else, increases the chances for survival of the child. In one behavioral study, animals that were given intermittent bad-then-good treatment were 230% more attached than those who had received only good treatment. An 1981 study showed a direct positive correlation between the amount of intermittent bad-then-good treatment during a power imbalanced relationship and the attachment level felt six months after the relationship was over. It works like a rubber band; as the abused pulls away it will eventually snap them back into the relationship. After time away from the abuser, the abused will tend to forget the bad things and focus on the positive treatment they received and the good things about the relationship. It is possible that from an evolutionary standpoint, the best bet for survival is to stay with the one we already have to protect us. Even after separating from abusive partners, victims frequently remain strongly attached to them. Cognitive dissonance is also strongly implicated in why we feel the need to make our abusive relationships work. The theory of cognitive dissonance assumes that people will change their ideas or beliefs to create harmony and alleviate discomfort when faced with two competing cognitions (ideas, beliefs, attitudes, etc.). Leon Festinger created the theory after observing a cult whose members gave up jobs, houses, everything to join. This particular cult believed messages from space predicated the world would end on a specific day by flood and a space ship would come and save them. When no space ship came, they actually decided that their strong faith had averted the flood and saved the world. Instead of admitting failure and looking foolish after all that investment, they chose to change their ideas to strengthen the validity of the choices they had made. If we can come up with a good enough justification for our actions or beliefs, we will choose not to suffer the dissonance in our lives. The more a person has invested into a situation the stronger the need is to justify it. Studies also show that we tend to be more committed to things that are embarrassing, uncomfortable, or difficult; some prime examples are military boot camp, fraternity initiations and yes, abusive relationships. Maintaining an unhealthy abusive relationship takes an enormous amount of investment from both parties so the drive to justify it and make it work is quite strong. Telling a person in an abusive relationship they made a wrong choice and should leave can be like telling a new Marine after he or she has survived boot camp, they should now join the Army instead. More than just the emotional scars, our bodies can be deeply affected by withstanding long-term abuse. Our self-defense system becomes disorganized and overwhelmed when neither escape nor resistance seems possible. When the normal responses to danger are no longer useful, each element in this system has a tendency to continue in an altered and exaggerated state for long periods, even after the danger is over. This presents a huge strain on our systems and is thought to be at least partially to blame for the increase in many medical problems after enduring an extended period of abuse. In addition, chronic stress results in a system wide suppression of immunity. This is most intense while enduring the stress but has been shown that it can have long-term effects. Anywhere from 66% to 80% of women who have endured domestic abuse suffer from Major Depressive Disorder. Other associated disorders include Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, anxiety, addictions, and chronic pain syndromes. In some cases this can result in considerable functional impairment. Nearing the end of my abusive situation I began to develop the chronic pain syndrome fibromyalgia. Seemingly unrelated medical conditions are shown to be statically related to abuse including gastrointestinal disorders, chronic headache and obesity. To cope with abuse survivors often self medicate with drugs and alcohol, develop eating disorders, self-mutilate, and engage in risky behavior. These activities make the health risks even higher. So why do smart, capable, intelligent women love and defend so fiercely the ones that abuse them? As much as we would like to say that we left because we were strong and wise, it actually involves a great deal of flat out luck and poor timing on his par. We are lucky enough to get out, but not before it took its medical toll on our body. It might sound terrible to say but its true; what started as real honest to goodness love is the backbone of why many abused victims stay. "If someone punched you in the face and then said, 'Do you want to get some pizza?' You'd run for the hills, but abusers don't show who they are at the beginning," says Stephanie Nilva of Break the Cycle, a nonprofit organization dedicated to ending teen relationship abuse. The signs are not always there at first, at least not in any way you can detect; after all, you wouldn’t be with them if they weren’t really wonderful in many ways. The relationships start out perfect year(s) before things started to go downhill, by this point they used to be completely in love. Love alone, however, is not nearly enough to keep a person in an abusive relationship; there are other deep psychological factors at work. When you combine forces as strong as love and hope with enough drive to justify cognitive dissonance and the bonds created by the Stockholm syndrome, you create a seemingly unstoppable force. It is stoppable, but it’s a lot easier to say than to do.
